You were hurt, and the person who hurt you has never admitted it. They may have brushed it off, denied it, or acted as if nothing happened. So when someone says you should forgive, it sounds like you are being asked to let them off the hook. Many Christians quietly decide to forgive when the apology arrives, and no sooner.
This article is for anyone asking how to forgive someone who never apologized, and whether the Bible requires it. Scripture answers plainly, and the answer starts with what Jesus said from the cross.
Why “I’ll Forgive When They Apologize” Feels Fair
The wait-for-an-apology position has real logic behind it. An apology shows the other person understands what they did. It gives you some assurance they will not do it again. It feels unjust to hand over forgiveness when nothing has been given back.
Most of us also learned that forgiveness is a transaction: they admit wrong, we extend mercy. Under that rule, forgiveness is something they earn.
Scripture describes something different. In the Bible, forgiveness begins with the person who was wronged, and it is first of all a matter of obedience to God. The rest of this article looks at what that means and, just as importantly, what it does not mean.
What Jesus Prayed on the Cross, and Who He Prayed For
Luke 23:34 records that while Jesus was being crucified, he said: “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do” (ESV). Look at the timing. The nails were going in. Nobody had confessed, nobody had asked for mercy, and the soldiers were dividing his clothes between them.
Jesus asked for forgiveness for the very people who were hurting him. The most natural reading is that this includes the soldiers carrying out the crucifixion, and the surrounding passage shows others, including rulers and bystanders, mocking him. He did not wait for any of them to change their minds.
Two honest notes help you handle this verse well. First, “they know not what they do” does not mean the act was harmless. It was the worst injustice in history. Second, some early manuscripts of Luke leave this sentence out, and Bible translations often mark that in a footnote. The words fit the rest of what Luke records, though. In Acts 7:60, Stephen, dying under a hail of stones, prays, “Lord, do not hold this sin against them,” and the connection to his Lord’s prayer is hard to miss.
The point for us is this: forgiveness was offered while the wrong was still happening. If the Son of God could pray that for those killing him, “they never apologized” cannot be a condition that cancels our obligation.
Forgiveness Is Obedience, Not a Feeling
Many people wait to forgive until they feel ready. The feeling does not come, so the forgiveness never starts. The New Testament does not treat forgiveness as a mood. It treats it as a command.
- Ephesians 4:32: “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”
- Colossians 3:13: “Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.”
- Matthew 6:14-15: “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”
Notice the standard in Ephesians and Colossians: as God forgave you. Paul does not say “once they have earned it.” He points back to how God treated us. Romans 5:8 says Christ died for us while we were still sinners, which means the offer came before our repentance, and our forgiving others follows the same pattern.
Matthew 6:14-15 is a sobering passage, and it deserves to be read carefully rather than softened. Jesus connects our willingness to forgive with our own standing before the Father. He tells the parable of the unforgiving servant in Matthew 18:21-35 to make the same point: someone forgiven an enormous debt who then refuses to forgive a small one has not understood what he received.
If forgiveness is a command, then you can obey it before the feelings change. Many people find the feelings improve over time as a result of obeying, not before.
What Forgiving Is Not
Much of the fear around forgiveness comes from confusing it with other things. Forgiving someone does not mean any of the following.
Reconciling. Reconciliation rebuilds a relationship, and it needs two people. You can forgive alone. You cannot reconcile alone. Romans 12:18 says, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” The phrase “so far as it depends on you” acknowledges that sometimes it will not depend on you only.
Trusting again. Trust is rebuilt by changed behaviour over time. If someone has lied to you, stolen from you, or harmed you, forgiving them does not require handing them the same access. Jesus himself “did not entrust himself” to people who followed him for the wrong reasons (John 2:24). Wisdom and forgiveness can sit together.
Pretending it did not hurt. Forgiveness only makes sense when something real needs to be forgiven. You do not have to call the wrong small, or say “it’s fine.” Saying it honestly is part of the process: it was wrong, it hurt, and you forgive anyway.
Staying in danger. If you are being abused or threatened, forgiveness does not mean staying within reach of the harm. Speak to a pastor, a trusted church leader, or a qualified counsellor about keeping yourself safe.
Where Christians Differ, and How to Weigh It
Not every Christian reads this the same way, and it is worth knowing why.
Luke 17:3-4 says, “If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him.” Some Christians read this as showing that forgiveness in its full sense is tied to repentance: the wrongdoer needs to turn back before the relationship is restored. Others point to the cross, to Stephen, and to Mark 11:25 (“whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone”) and conclude that the believer’s heart must be ready to forgive regardless.
A common way of bringing these together is to separate two things. One is the posture of the heart: a settled decision to release the person and wish them well, which does not wait for them. The other is the full restoration of the relationship, which does depend on repentance. Many teachers hold this view, and it fits all of the passages above.
You do not need to settle every question of theology before you act. Whichever way you read Luke 17, every position agrees on three things: bitterness is not allowed to rule you, revenge belongs to God, and the door to reconciliation should stay open for the person who truly repents. If your situation is tangled, talk it through with a pastor who knows you.
Five Practical Ways to Start Forgiving Today
Obedience becomes more manageable when it has steps. These are five ways to begin.
- Pray honestly. Tell God what happened and how it hurt, in plain words. The Psalms are full of honest complaint. You are not informing God of anything, but saying it aloud stops you from forgiving a vague, softened version of the hurt.
- Name the debt. Write down specifically what they did and what it cost you: time, trust, reputation, money, peace. Forgiveness in the Bible is described as cancelling a debt (Matthew 6:12; Matthew 18:27), and you cannot cancel something you have not identified.
- Release it to God in words. Say something like: “Father, I forgive them for this. I will not collect on it. I give it to you.” Then act on that decision.
- Choose behaviour that matches. Do not rehearse the case against them to others, plan ways to get even, or bring it up to win arguments. Jesus said in Luke 6:27-28 to love your enemies and pray for those who mistreat you. Pray for them by name, even briefly.
- Set the boundaries wisdom requires. Forgiving them does not mean giving them the same access. Decide what is safe and sensible, and hold to it without hostility.
You may need to repeat these steps. That is normal, and the next section explains why.
When the Pain Comes Back After You Have Forgiven
You forgive on Tuesday, and on Friday a memory flares and the anger is back. It is easy to conclude the forgiveness did not work.
It did. Forgiving is a decision you made before God, and emotions often catch up slowly. When the memory returns, do not reopen the case. Quietly repeat what you decided: “I forgave this. I am not taking it back.” Then pray for the person again, and turn to something else.
Jesus told Peter to forgive “seventy-seven times” (Matthew 18:22, with some translations reading “seventy times seven”). The number is not meant to be counted off. It teaches that forgiveness is an ongoing practice, sometimes for the same offence.
If the pain stays heavy for months, there is no shame in seeking help from a pastor or a Christian counsellor. That is a reasonable use of the church God gave you.
Handing Justice to God
The hardest part of forgiving is the sense that the wrong will go unanswered. Romans 12:17-21 speaks to exactly that:
“Repay no one evil for evil… Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.’… Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”
Paul does not say the wrong does not matter. He says justice is real, and that it is God’s to carry out, not yours. Forgiveness therefore does not cancel accountability. It moves the responsibility to the right person. God sees what was done, and he judges fairly and fully, which you and I cannot.
This brings a freedom that does not rely on the other person. They may never apologize, never change, and never understand what they did. Your obedience does not depend on any of that. As Peter wrote of Jesus, “When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly” (1 Peter 2:23).
If you want to go further into how obedience like this shapes a believer over time, how godly character actually grows is a good next read. ***
Forgiving someone who never said sorry is one of the hardest things Scripture asks of us, and Jesus asked it of himself first. Start with one honest prayer today.
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